A Guide for Supporting Children in Grief

As an adult, be a good observer.  See how each child is behaving.  Don’t rush in with explanations.  Usually, it’s more helpful to ask exploring questions than to give quick answers. 

When someone loved dies, don’t expect children’s reactions to be obvious and immediate.  Be patient and available.

Reassurance comes from the presence of loving people.  Children feel secure in the care of gentle arms and tenderness. 

When describing the death of someone loved to a child, use simple and direct language.

Be honest.  Express your own feelings regarding the death.  By doing so, children have a model for expressing their own feelings.  It’s all right to cry too.

Allow children to express a full range of feelings.  Anger, guilt, despair and protest are all natural reactions to the death of someone loved. These are all things we as adults feel too- own those, label them and talk about it.  

Listen to children, don’t just talk to them.

No one procedure or formula will fit all children, either at the time of death or during months that follow.  Be patient, flexible and adjust to individual needs.

Adults must recognize their own personal feelings about death.  Losing loved ones is a natural but very difficult experience in the journey of life.  Be a role model and accept the myriad of emotions that rise when we grieve. It is okay to be sad, recognize it is normal to have mood swings and to go from crying to laughing to crying again.  While all this is happening you can always still send the message, “ I am really sad and hurting AND I am going to be okay, we are going to feel better and together we are going to get through this, but right now, I am really sad.”